Good. Bye. Grandma.

As much as I'm feeling really sad. I feel it is only right that I dedicate a post to my grandma. She had just passed away last Wednesday. A lot of events happened that day. A simple trip to the hospital just took a bad turn of event. And everything ended on the midnight of Wednesday. Recalling the events are too painful right now even though everything remains fresh in my mind.

Instead of focusing on the sad stuffs, this post shall focus on positive and happier events. Grandma took cared of me when I was still a kid while mum helped out at uncle's company. She didn't had much education as life was really difficult for her in her younger days. However, she had learned good habits and has taught all her grandchildren whom she took cared of, including myself, well. I should include my mum, auntie and uncles into the list as well. Grandma has taught her younger generations well. In fact, she had been awesome.

She had taught me manners and habits which I still practiced until now. And I will continue to do so because it has become part of me. I am always grateful for her care. I had planned to bring her out for a good meal when I'm done with my studies and begin my first job. I should have visited her more often. She had slight senile period but she had always remember me and always called out the right name. Thinking back right now, is able to make me tear. However, she has moved on to another world. I can no longer do what I planned to do. It was too late. I had missed my chance. To be frank, I really hated myself for this and is regretting it big time. She has always hold a dear place in my heart. I have always respected her. I always wanted to treat her well all the time. She will and always been my dearest grandma. But I can no longer repay and perform my duties as a grandson....

I should have learned to treasure her more when she was around. Now, it's too late. I really learned to love and show care to anyone I love and treasure all of them at the current moment. Do not ever leave it late. It will only create regrets.

3 days of wake has been over and all other required events has been conducted. Some scenes which happened will always stay in my mind. Incidents involving two relatives whom were really close to grandma really pains me but makes me proud to be a grandson of this wonderful lady. It really touched me.

When grandpa passed away, I was still too little. I was still only 3 or 4 years old. I didn't quite know what had happened. Now that I had grown up, I learned to acknowledge the event better.

Moving on is really hard. But it is a natural process. I hoped I can learned to come to terms with it. I'm sure grandma would not want us to grieve for too long either. Be strong.

Thank You. Thank You, Grandma. I will always remember you. You will stay in my heart. In loving memory.

Friday 4th November

I've no idea what name to give for this post so I guess I shall just name it as today's date. Well, I've wanted to post something for quite some time. Ever since I finished the 3 exams last week, I've been thinking of penning my feelings down. But because of the emotions involved, I refused to face it and it took me until now to be brave enough to face it. Haiz.

Now, how should I start? Let's see. I've been quite pleased to finish this semester as this only means that next semester will start soon and very soon I'll end my study journey in Curtin Singapore. A path which I do not enjoy a lot but pleased because it provides a good learning curve.

Anyways, for the past 2 weeks, it has been study week followed by 2 weeks of exams. Did I concentrate well and study hard? NO! Guilty? Yes. Did I attempt to make amends to make up for my lack of concentration? No. What's my distraction? You. Frankly. What's with me? Come on! I should do better by focusing on what's more important than let myself get distracted away. More so, over things that don't have any future. Now, I'm left to care whether I have done enough to clear one of my module. And I've got no one to blame but myself. J, what's the point? That shows you are immature and needs to be more mature.

And also, why do you think about it so much after looking at the photo. It's a photo that means nothing. Even if there are other guys in her life, so? You're just someone disposable, don't think too highly of yourself. Please learn. Be it her or any girl that will be my girlfriend or loved ones, I don't have the right to run her life. So, I should learn to not be bothered about these things so much.

But, on a side note, at least now, I do not think about her so much, which is good. Let's hope it stays this way. I really don't think anything good will happen. We will just be friends. But nevertheless, I will continue to care for you and if my disposable presence is needed, I will be more than glad.

enough of feeling happy.

Yep. Enough of feeling happy. The chat with her could have gone on and on. More topics can just keep coming up and it will not stop (or so, I feel). But because its nearing exams and I can't separate my heart matters with my brain. Already, without the heart matters, I'm not able to study very well and get all the things I want to study into my brain. With it, it will only get worse. And true enough, I can't really focus. No doubt, I can't focus as expected. So, I had to stop the chat from going. I stopped it quite abruptly. Sadly, yes. In fact, I'm even leaving the chat dangling.

I'm supposed to reply but because I do not want to leave the chat to have any chance of continuing at the moment, I had to refrain from replying her. Whether she is awaiting the reply (which I don't think she is) or not, I stopped the chat when it was going well. I'm happy enough to be able to chat with her, albeit through 3 or 4 messages a day, but still I'm really happy to be always awaiting her reply. Whether she feels the same way (which I highly doubt so), I do not want to think about it. Sometimes, I do find myself weird. I am supposed to be feeling happy, why do I have to 转牛角尖? Why not just leave the happy moments lingering and stop thinking about anything negative from there! That way, I will be happy and not feel miserable isn't it?

Anyway, the chat shall stop until I get over the 1st week of my exams. 3 papers to clear. Confident? No. Well prepared? Not at all. So do I have the luxury to let my mind be anything but fully concentrated? Well, I can't.

Whether the chat can continue when my exams are over, I don't know. But I do hope we can continue to chat like we do. No doubt, it's just simple, casual chat. But, I really feel happy. Serious. Do you like chatting with me? I hope so. But I'm not going to read too much into whether you like chatting with me or not. What I want to do is to make you smile or make you cheerful or happy. I like to see you smile and I'm going to try to make it possible. For now, I can't do that and I better be self-disciplined and focus on my priority. It's just one week. Don't make it seems like its forever. It's going to pass by so quickly after all.

I've been waking up in the middle of my sleep nowadays. And usually, I will wake up around 6 or 7 plus. I'm not exactly a light sleeper. Usually, I'll sleep like a log. Hard to be awaken. But I don't know when I started this habit of waking up around 6 or 7 plus. The reason is simple. That's because I'm anticipating your replies since usually you reply at this timing. I assume that's the time you wake up and prepare for class, or whatsoever. But for this coming one week, I don't know if I will kick this habit away. But what I do know is, when we continue to chat again, I will return to waking up around 6 or 7 plus just to check my phone. I've fallen in very deep. Can you sense it? Do I want you to sense it? Frankly, I don't know.

still feeling happy =)

This is going to be a quick post. In need of rest. Had a busy day today. Woke up slightly earlier to buy a pack of paper to print the Marketing Research major assignment 'coz I ran out of paper while printing the assignment last night. =( Went to school to submit the assignment. Finally all assignments are gone. What a busy semester, seriously! Somehow, I feel next semester could be just the same. It might be slightly better since I've been through a hectic one like the one that is about to end. After I'm done with submitting the assignment, I went off to Tampines for gym. Been 2 weeks since I gym. This is one activity I enjoy doing and I want to continue to do. And tonight, I started a bit of revision by writing notes. Need to get into the groove asap as I don't really have much time to revise. Being stupid definitely doesn't help.

And here I am to post some thoughts. To continue the events that happened after my last post, we continue to message each other probably until today. Even though the contents were simple, casual talk, but just to be able to chat with her is enough to make me feel happy. In fact, I'm still in a pretty good mood till now! She don't reply fast but because of that, I will always be eagerly awaiting her reply. Sounds crazy huh? Well, maybe after a while, I might not be have such a strong feeling. Because if I continue to have such a strong feeling, there can only be one outcome: I will fall even deeper. Whatever the case, shall see how it goes. No point anticipating the situation before it even happens. Or worst still, whether that might happen. But for now, being happy and joyful isn't bad. So let me stay in this happy mood for a little longer.

Ciao.

You.

You. A simple action by you can actually make me SO SO SO happy for a whole day. Erm. I think I might even be smiling in my sleep tonight. Haha! I'm THAT happy!

All it takes was just for you to take the initiative and send me a message. To make me this happy. Never mind the content of the message. Like people always says, it's the thought that counts. :p Yep, to me, that was all that it matters. It really brighten up my day and probably make me stay happy while I approach this busy week ahead. To think I was just talking to Wan Ting about I'm the only interested party in this friendship as I'm the one that usually starts the ball rolling. Well, happiness aside, tomorrow is a new start. A new day.

On a side note, I saw a really disgusting scene this morning. Somehow regret my action. Should have done much more. What happened was I heard a cat growling so pitifully. So I stopped and take a look at the cat to see if it growled because it was hungry (I had no food to offer it though). Just curious. It was a nice little black with white strips stray cat. To my astonishment, part of its face was falling out. Ewwwwww.....my gosh!! Whoever did it to this poor little creature is so cruel. But I didn't do my part. It wasn't until I reached Kinokuniya then I realised I could have done more by calling SPCA or any organisations or agencies that could have helped. I hoped the cat met some kind person who helped it. 'coz by the look of it, the cat is in real pain and I suspect if it's not being treated, it might be gone..BUT let's hope the little creature will be fine. It will be.

Anyway, it's time for bed and be ready for the last class for this semester. The next one will come pretty soon, get excited about it, J. Night, blog.

Alone.

This is going to be a short post. Just felt like voicing it out. I think I should leave you alone. I think I can sense you getting annoyed by me? Maybe I read too much but I would rather I think too much now, then spoil the friendship.

Troubled but for what?

I seriously need to stop myself from thinking about love matters, or rather her. I think i'm getting too troubled for nothing. My brain has been thinking about too many unnecessary stuffs. What for? I merely learned that she went out with the ex-colleagues, and yes, 1 of them is the person that like her. And so? Just a meet-up anyway. I sulk and think about it also don't know for what. Yes, I'm jealous but what can I do. I need to stop being too bothered over these things. I'm not in a position to bother and I'm just a nobody.

But, no matter how I keep telling myself not to think. My brain will always think about it. Please lah, J. Suppress that emotion. You have to. You just have to. Enough said.

On a side note, Mum's not in a good mood today because of something. I hope everything will be fine. Yes, it will.